Thursday, October 16, 2008

public face private face...integrity & art
Current mood:  calm
I have a moral conundrum, i believe in being honest & open, breaking barriers between people by sharing, being true to myself, all the pain & misery & suffering that everyday people go through seems to me to be exaserbated by the taboos about talking about it, its not dignified, its embarrassing, people don't want to know about your problems, one has to suffer silently, keep up appearances, stiff upper lip and all that... which is a load of rubbish,  lets strip away pretences & get to real human experiences, if we could talk about the bad stuff surely it would lift the taboos ?  yet who goes first ? My favorite songwriters, artists, writers are those who tell it from the heart who put themselves on the line. yet I feel I can't..
see I'm frustrated that I feel inhibited about sharing all my real stuff in blog rants. I am here after all in a roundabout way to keep in touch with friends, and lets face it to sell art, public face-private face conundrum. I let rants out here & people stop me down the street, "ooo you should delete that blog ! people are talking about it in the pub" ( yeah well the local pub deinzens can frak off ). The more I think about it the more that all the big stuff in my life has been shhhh, a secret, who am I protecting ? me , my family ? collegues?  I guess if i vented my spleen about the fire service mis managment, I'd get the sack, what about the other stuff?
I remember having to hide when I was a single pregnant teenager so the neighbours didnt see the bump, that sucked. Is it okay to talk about trauma when time has passed? it seems a long time ago now that my son was rushed off by police, in an ambulance, hauled through the courts, or taken into a mental hospital. People didnt know what was going on, or did they, I notice no-one asks about him, so maybe they did? Surely it would be better if we could talk about death, pain, mental health, cancer, abuse, drug abuse, alcoholism etc ? Sure some people sail through life relatively unscathed, but most sadly don't, its real. its what happens, and yet we have to make sense of it in dignified silence.
For famillies undergoing trauma, the everyday takes on painful significance, mediocre soap opera storylines can trigger heartwrenching memories, something beautiful like a bird in the garden or a cute child can be painfully poignant.
I guess I can't talk about specifics, I guess I need to pour it into art, a comic strip, a story, removed from source, but it feels dishonest to smile & make small talk, feels like I'm not being true to my core beliefs about being human & open. But I am here after all to sell art & project Vicky the artist, not provide gossips with salacious bullets. I have nothing to hide but....
lets talk about the weather, ooo look a picture of a fluffy kitten, aren't I great please buy my art for SALE tra la la.

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